the eternal mysteries
I am singing a song by legendary 1960's musician Donovan Leitch.
My voice is tuneful and cheerful, lacking that plaintive note some of you have come to know and love, which kicks in when I'm singing Kate Nash songs.
Today's song goes:
"Oh the intergalactic laxative,
Will get you from here to there,
Relieve you, and believe me,
Without a worry or care.
If shi--ing is your problem,
When you're out there in the stars,
Oh the intergalactic laxative, the intergalactic laxative,
The intergalactic laxative,
Will get you from here to Mars."
There was a moment's respectful silence when I'd finished this fine paean to modern technology. Presently the lady known as Lil spoke.
"How do they do it?" she wondered.
"Who?" sez I.
"Astronauts," sez she.
"Do what?" sez I.
"Go to the toilet," sez she.
I answer her with another burst from the immortal Donovan. Clearly gentle travellers of the internet, we might reasonably conclude that my youth has been somewhat misspent since I can apparently recall at will the entire lyrics to songs like this.
I bet even Donovan couldn't sing these next verses off the cuff.
With strange high passion I sing:
"They don't partake like you and I
Of beefy burgher mush.
Their food is specially prepared,
To dissolve into slush.
Aborbed by multi fibres
In their super diaper suit.
Otherwise the slush would trickle
Down inside the boot.
...Oh the intergalactic laxative will get you from here to there.
Relieve you and believe me, without a worry or care.
If shi--ing is your problem when you're out there in the stars,
The intergalactic laxative will get you from here to Mars...
You may well ask,
Now what becomes
Of liquids they consume?
A pipe is led
From penis head,
To a unit in the room.
The water is recirculated
Filtered for reuse
In case some anti gravity
Pee gets on the loose."
There is a another silence. I wait expectantly. And wait. And wait.
What am I waiting for?
It does not arrive.
You know bold readers, I still say this song represents Donovan Leitch's finest hour.
But apparently not mine.